The results are in!

This is a summary of the worst mixtape competition, 2k5, WFUDS style. Three competitors…three mixtapes…five songs apiece…karaoke at stake. Let’s see what happened!


1) OMC – How Bizarre

2) Spice Girls – Spice Up Your Life

3) System of a Down – BYOB

4) Jewel – Intuition

5) Lee Greenwood – Proud to Be An American (live)

Kevin puts forth a solid effort, especially with selections Spice Up Your Life and Proud to be an American. These two stand out in this mix. The System of a Down song is a nice touch, very “bad” in many degrees; however, it’s in such a unique genre of its own (that which I could not define nor critique) that it adds a difficult dimension to this list. OMC’s How Bizarre has a nostalgic quality for many of us. It definitely sucks, but in a catchy, positive, and creepy way. What are they really talking about? They get pulled over for having a cool car, they end up in a town that evidently just saw a circus roll through, and they have some sweeeeeeet trumpet flares. Spice Up Your Life, I feel, is the strongest selection. The second verse says “Yellow men in Timbuktu / Color for both me and you / Kung-fu fighting, dancing queen / Tribal spacemen and all that’s in between.” What in the world? Boiiiing? That verse alone makes this list tough to beat. The big finish of the live version of Lee Greenwood’s patriotic nut flex Proud to be an American is pretty nice. He’s a terrible singer and this version especially lets that be known since there is little to no actual music. Well done Kevin, you really sucked.


1) Baha Men – Kokomo

2) Kenny Chesney – She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy

3) Backstreet Boys – Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely

4) Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On

5) David Hasselhoff – Rhinestone Cowboy

G. Vick’s strong start doesn’t disappoint. The Beach Boys’ version of Kokomo consistently makes worst song lists but those lists obviously haven’t heard the Baha Men’s rendition. You’d think one would pull the obvious Who Let the Dogs Out? when thinking of the Baha Men; but, G. Vick reaches deep to find this 8 minute suck fest. The Kenny Chesney choice is a good one, it’s a terrible song but country is too easy. Toby Keith’s I Wanna Talk About Me would have been much wiser. The BSB pick is nice. There are a lot of options when it comes to boy bands but this is a superior selection. The title and thus the song makes little to no sense. Also, unlike I Want it that Way and Backstreet’s Back, this song doesn’t rock. I mean, the lyrics don’t make that much difference unless it’s a ballad. This song sucks. Someone had to pick Celine Dion, and here Garrett picks well. Had he picked the version with the quotes from the actual movie, he may have won hands down. Solid selection here. To seal his mixtape off, he picks a sucky song by a suckier “artist.” Not quite a top 40 pick but a nice, random, terrible selection. Garrett, you suck bad.


1) Amy Grant – Baby Baby

2) Crash Test Dummies – Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

3) Meatloaf – I Will Do Anything For Love

4) Sophie B. Hawkins – As I Lay Me Down

5) Presidents of the United States of America – Peaches

Chad, you were so close. Amy Grant’s “Heart in Motion” album was stellar; one of the best of the 90’s and Baby Baby is not a sucky song. It’s a tad cheesy, but unless you are totally opposed to synths, it’s a good pop song. The Crash Test Dummies song similarly is not “sucky.” Its really really odd and quirky and entirely a gimmick; however, it has some sort of novelty that allows it to be its own thing. It does partially suck. The Meatloaf song is redeeming. A truly terrible song with a good video, I Will Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That) has left thousands to wonder what he won’t do. My friends and I had a theory in college that the only thing he wouldn’t do is to not sing this sucky song…think about it. The Sophie B. Hawkins song is a good pick. It was only a pop hit because it’s catchy and uses the cliché of “As I lay me down…” Good pick. Finally, the PotUSA selection is pretty good. But again, like the Crash Test Dummies, it’s more gimmicky than sucky. The Meatloaf pick alone makes this tough to beat. Chad, you suck!


This is tough but I have some good reasoning for this decision. The first place winner goes to….Garrett! Garrett’s list was very solid, and speaking in holistic terms, his list was the worst all around. Reaching into country and the more random picks helped but he didn’t have any weak picks. In second place comes…Kevin! Kevin’s list was really nice. I would not have put How Bizarre or Intuition on the list but the Spice Girls and Lee Greenwood picks make it a nice list. Chad’s list was very good however some of the songs were more gimmicky than sucky.

The Mandate:

Given these reasons, it shall be determined that Chad sings two songs at Karaoke. He shall sing Spice Up Your Life and Proud to be an American. For second to last, Kevin shall sing Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely. And for dipping a little too much into the random, Garrett shall sing My Heart Will Go On. All in all, this was a great kickoff to a potentially sucky annual or bi-annual event.


Kevin Sinclair said...

Mike Lee, wise and just, who giveth and taketh away. The will of Mike Lee be done. Blessed be his name.

Chad Crawford said...

Well done. I actually called the exact results last night. I definitely think the other guys did a much better (or suckier) job with theirs. Although, I think "gimmicky" is very sucky, but we'll agree to disagree. I've also never heard Amy Grant in the same sentence as the word "stellar," but hey, you're the music expert.

By the way it's pretty obvious if you read the lyrics to Meatloaf's song that his lover is into some crazy roleplay in the bedroom and he is a little intimidated. You don't have to take my word for it, look at this excerpt...

"Some nights you're breathing fire,
Some nights you're carved in ice,
Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again."

Ok, I don't blame you Meatloaf...making love to dragons, ice sculptures, and weird monstrocities is not my thing. I wouldn't do that either.

I mean, you have to hand it to him though he's thinking about it...

"But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way - tonight."

It's tempting and he's making an effort...

"Somedays I pray for silence, somedays I pray for soul, somedays I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock 'N' Roll,
some nights I lose the feeling, some nights I lose control, some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls. Maybe I'm lonely."

But in the end, his lover is just a little too kinky for him to handle...

"I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that..."

Sorry Meat, maybe the next one you find won't be such a freak. I mean, fire? Jesus.

sam said...

This looked really amusing. You know, you should make me a list of definitively American songs (good and bad) that I should play for my classes. I'm tired of doing old stuff in civilization (history and literature). A bit of pop culture from time to time would be nice.

pH said...

I would have disqualified the PotUSA entry on sheer principle. But you probably already knew that.